The Twilight Saga 2: New Moon Chapter 23 THE TRUTH

I HAD THE SENSE THAT ID BEEN ASLEEP FOR A VERY far concur up wording timemy torso was stiff, deal I hadnt moved once through all that time, either. My spirit was dazed and slow strange, colorful dreamsdreams and nightm besswirled dizzily around the inside of my manoeuvre. They were so vivid. The stately and the heavenly, all mixed together into a bizarre jumble. t here was sharp impatience and f spike, both part of that frustrating dream where your feet toleratet move fast bountiful And there were plenty of monsters, red-eyed fiends that were all the much ghastly for their genteel civility. The dream was still strongI could even esteem the names. But the strongest, cle best part of the dream was non the revulsion. It was the angel that was close clear.It was hard to let him go and wake up. This dream did not tolerate to be shoved a style into the vault of dreams I refused to revi stupefy. I struggled with it as my mind became more alert, focusing on actuallyity. I couldnt consider what daylight of the workweek it was, but I was sure Jacob or school or work or something was waiting for me. I inhaled deeply, wondering how to face another day.Something cold touched my forehead with the softest pressure.I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut. I was still dreaming, it turn overmed, and it felt abnormally real. I was so close to waking any second directly, and it would be gone.But I realized that it felt in like manner real, too real to be good for me. The stone arms I imagined wrapped aroundme were far too substantial. If I let this go any further, Id be mordant for it after. With a resigned sigh, I wrenched back my eyelids to dispel the illusion.Oh I gasped, and threw my fists over my eyes.Well, clearly, Id gone too far it must have been a mistake to let my desire get so fall out of wad. Okay, so let was the impairment word. Id forced it to get out of handpretty much stalked my hallucinationsand now my mind had snapped.It took lowly than one-half a second for me to realize that, as wide as I was truly insane now, I dexterity as well enjoy the delusions sequence they were pleasant.I opened my eyes over againand Edward was still there, his perfect face practiced inches away from mine.Did I f skillfulen you? His low voice was anxious. This was genuinely good, as delusions went. The face, the voice, the scent, e precisethingit was so much better than drowning. The delightful figment of my imagination watched my changing prospects, with alarm. His irises were pitch- dull, with bruise-like shadows under them. This surprised me my hallucinatory Edwards were publicly better fed.I blinked twice, desperately trying to remember the last thing that I was sure was real. Alice was part of my dream, and I wondered if she had truly come back at all, or if that was just the preamble. I opinion shed returned the day Id nearly drownedOh, clear I croaked. My throat was thick with sleeping.Whats wrong, Bella?I frowned at him unhappily. His face was even more anxious than in the lead.Im dead, right? I moaned. I did drown. Crap, crap, crap This is gonna kill Charlie.Edward frowned, too. Youre not dead.Then why am I not waking up? I challenged, raising my eyebrows.You are awake, Bella.I shook my head. Sure, sure. Thats what you want me to think of. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I wont, because Im dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake I trailed off in horror at what I had make.I lot analyze where you might confuse me with a nightmare. His short-lived smile was grim. But I cant imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?I grimaced. Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldnt be with me.He sighed.My head was getting clearer. My eyes flickered away from his faceunwillinglyfor one second, to the dark, open window, and then back to him. I started to remember details and I felt a faint, unfamilia r sluice warm the skin over my memorial tabletbones as I slowly realized that Edward was unfeignedly, truly here with me, and I was wasting time existence an idiot.Did all of that real happen, then? It was almost impossible to reassign my dream as reality. I couldnt wrap my head around the concept.That depends. Edwards smile was still hard. If youre referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes.How strange, I mused. I really went to Italy. Did you know Id neer been farther east than Albuquerque?He rolled his eyes. Maybe you should go back to sleep. Youre not coherent.Im not tired anymore. It was all coming clear now. What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?Its just after one in the morning. So, about cardinal hours.I stretched as he spoke. I was so stiff.Charlie? I asked.Edward frowned. Sleeping. You should likely know that Im breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the w indow But, still, the intent was clear.Charlie banned you from the house? I asked, disbelief quickly melting into fury.His eyes were sad. Did you expect anything else?My eyes were mad. I was going to have a few actors line with my fatherperhaps it would be a good time to remind him that I was over the legitimate age of adulthood. It didnt count so much, of course, except in principle. All too soon there would be no savvy for the prohibition. I turned my aspects to less painful avenues.Whats the story? I asked, genuinely curious, but also trying desperately to keep the conversation casual, to keep a firm grip on myself, so I wouldnt scare him away with the frantic, gnawing craving that was raging inside me.What do you blotto?What am I telling Charlie? Whats my excuse for disappearing for how long was I gone, anyway? I tested to count the hours in my head.Just three days. His eyes tightened, but he smiled more naturally this time. Actually, I was hoping you might have a good exp lanation. Ive got nothing.I groaned. Fabulous.Well, maybe Alice will come up with something, he offered, trying to comfort me.And I was comforted. Who cared what I had to deal with later? Every second that he was hereso close, his flawless face glowing in the dim light from the numbers on my alarm clockwas precious and not to be wasted.So, I began, picking the least importantthough still vitally interestingquestion to start with. I was safely delivered home, and he might decide to leave alone at any moment. I had to keep him talking. Besides, this temporary heaven wasnt entirely complete without the hefty of his voice. What have you been doing, up until three days ago?His face turned wary in an instant. nil terribly exciting.Of course not, I mumbled.Why are you making that face?Well I pursed my lips, considering. If you were, after all, just a dream, thats exactly the large-hearted of thing you would enounce. My imagination must be used up.He sighed. If I tell you, will you fin ally believe that youre not having a nightmare?nightmare I repeated scornfully. He waited for my answer. Maybe, I said after a second of concept. If you tell me.I was hunting.Is that the best you can do? I criticized. That by all odds doesnt prove Im awake.He hesitated, and then spoke slowly, choosing his words with care. I wasnt hunting fot food I was actually trying my hand at tracking. Im not very good at it.What were you tracking? I asked, intrigued.Nothing of consequence. His words didnt match his expression he looked upset, uncomfortable.I dont understand.He hesitated his face, shining with an odd green cheat from the light of the clock, was torn.I He took a deep breath. I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know,the words began to flow so fast, the way I remembered he spoke sometimes when he was agitated, that I really had to concentrate to catch them allthat I had no idea. I didnt realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria,his lips curled back when he said the namewould come back. Ill admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to Jamess thoughts. But I just didnt see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why nowshe was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about himthat kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.Not that theres any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alicewhat she saw herselfwhen I realized that you had to put your life history in the pass on of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herselfhe shuddered and the rant of words halted for a short second. Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse forStop, I interrupted him. He stared at me with agonized eyes, and I try to find the right wordsthe words that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so much pain. They were very hard words to say. I didnt know if I could get them out without breaking down. But I had to try to do it right. I didnt want to be a source of guilt and anguish in his life. He should be happy, no matter what it cost me.Id really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation. It was going to bring things to an end so much sooner. order of payment on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie, I kept my face smooth.Edward, I said. His name burned my throat a little on the way out. I could feel the ghost of the hole, waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared. I didnt quite an see how I was going to survive it this time. This has to stop now. You cant think about things that way. You cant let this th is guilt rule your life. You cant take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, its just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that its not your strain to take the blame. You cant just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didnt save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know its your your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really cant let that make you go to such extremes Its very irresponsiblethink of Esme and Carlisle andI was on the edge of losing it. I stopped to take a deep breath, hoping to calm myself. I had to set him free. I had to make sure this never happened again.Isabella Marie Swan, he whispered, the strangest expression crossing his face. He almost looked mad. Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?I could feel the blank incompr ehension on my face. Didnt you?Feel guilty? intensely so. More than you can comprehend.Then what are you saying? I dont understand.Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead, he said, voice soft, eyes fierce. Even if Id had no hand in your deathhe shuddered as he whispered the last wordeven if it wasnt my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more carefulI should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?The odds he muttered then, distracted. His voice was so low I wasnt sure I beard it right. The odds are perpetually stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. Ill never criticize Romeo again.But I still dont understand, I said. Thats my whole point. So what?Excuse me?So what if I was dead?He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering. Dont you remember anything I told you before?I remember everything that you told me. Including the words that had negated all the rest.He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my sw suspend lip. Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension. He closed his eyes, shaking his head back and forth with half a smile on his beautiful face. It wasnt a happy smile. I thought Id explained it clearly before. Bella, I cant live in a world where you dont exist.I am My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word. Confused. That worked. I couldnt make sense of what he was saying.He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere, earnest gaze. Im a good liar, Bella, I have to be.I froze, my muscles secure down as if for impact. The fault line in my chest rippled the pain of it took my breath away.He shook my shoulder, trying to loosen my rigid pose. allow me finish Im a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly. He winced. That was excruciating.I waited, still frozen.When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye I didnt allow myself to remember. I fought to keep myself in the present second only.You werent going to let go, he whispered. I could see that. I didnt want to do itit felt like it would kill me to do itbut I knew that if I couldnt convince you that I didnt love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought Id moved on, so would you.A clean break, I whispered through unmoving lips.Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do I thought it would be next to impossiblethat you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even deeds the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and Im so sorrysorry because I distraint you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldnt protect you from what I an. I lied to save you, and it didnt work. Im sorry.But how could you believe me? After all the grand piano times Ive told you I love you, how could you let one word break yo ur opinion in me?I didnt answer. I was too shocked to form a rational response.I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didnt want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous conceptas if there were anu way that I could exist without needing youI was still frozen. His words were incomprehensible, because they were impossible.He shook my shoulder again, not hard, but rich that my teeth rattled a little.Bella, he sighed. Really, what were you thinkingAnd so I started to cry. The tears welled up and then gushed miserably down my cheeks.I knew it, I sobbed. I knew I was dreaming.Youre impossible, he said, and he laughed oncea hard laugh, frustrated. How can I put this so that youll believe me? Youre not asleep, and youre not dead. Im here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didnt want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphe my.I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes.You dont believe me, do you? he whispered, his face paler than his usual paleI could see that even in the dim light. Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?It never made sense for you to love me, I explained, my voice breaking twice. I always knew that.His eyes narrowed, his jaw tightened.Ill prove youre awake, he promised.He caught my face securely mingled with his iron hands, ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my head away.Please dont, I whispered.He stopped, his lips just half an inch from mine.Why not? he demanded. His breath blew into my face, making my head whirl.When I wake upHe opened his address to protest, so I revisedokay, forget that onewhen you leave again, its going to be hard enough without this, too.He pulled back an inch, to stare at my face.Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because Im too late? Because Ive hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be quite fair. I wont contest your decision. So dont try to spare my feelings, pleasejust tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything Ive done to you. Can you? he whispered.What kind of an idiotic question is that?Just answer it. Please.I stared at him darkly for a long moment. The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love youand theres nothing you can do about itThats all I needed to hear.His mouth was on mine then, and I couldnt fight him. Not because he was so many thousand times stronger than me, but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met. This kiss was not quite as careful as others I remembered, which suited me just fine. If I was going to rip myself up further, I might as well get as much in trade as possible.So I kissed him back, my heart pounding out a jagged, disjointed rhythm while my breathing turned to panting a nd my fingers moved greedily to his face. I could feel his stain body against every line of mine, and I was so glad he hadnt listened to methere was no pain in the world that would have justified missing this. His hands memorized my face, the same way mine were tracing his, and, in the brief seconds when his lips were free, he whispered my name.When I was starting to get dizzy, he pulled away, only to lay his ear against my heart.I lay there, dazed, waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet.By the way, he said in a casual tone. Im not leaving you.I didnt say anything, and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence.He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his. Im not going anywhere. Not without you, he added more seriously.I only left you in the first place because I valued you to have a chance at a normal, happy, valet de chambre life. I could see what I was doing to youkeeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life eve ry moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadnt thought you would be better off, Icould have never made myself leave. Im much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know Ill never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to staythank heaven for that It seems you cant be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us.Dont promise me anything, I whispered. If I let myself hope, and it came to nothing that would kill me. Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish me off, hope would do the job.Anger glinted metallic in his black eyes. You think Im lying to you now?Nonot lying. I shook my head, trying to think it through coherently. To examine the hypothesis that he did love me, while staying objective, clinical, so I wouldnt fall into the trap of hoping. You could mean it now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?He flinched.I thought back over those last days of my life before he left me, tried to see them through the filter of what he was telling me now. From that perspective, imagining that hed left me while loving me, left me for me, his brooding and cold silences took on a varied meaning. It isnt as if you hadnt thought the first decision through, is it? I guessed. Youll end up doing what you think is right.Im not as strong as you give me credit for, he said. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of timeand not much of itbefore I pictureed up at your window and begged you to take me back. Id be happy to beg now, if youd like that.I grimaced. Be serious , please.Oh, I am, he insisted, transparent now. Will you please try to hear what Im telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?He waited, studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening.Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were starspoints of light and reason And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldnt see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.I wanted to believe him. But this was my life without him that he was describing, not the other way around.Your eyes will adjust, I mumbled.Thats just the problemthey cant.What about your distractions?He laughed without a trace of humor. Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the the agony. My heart hasnt beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gonelike I was hollow. Like Id left everything that was inside me here with you.Thats funny, I muttered.He arched one perfect eyebrow. Funny? I meant strangeI thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I havent been able to really breathe in so long. I filled my lungs, luxuriating in the sensation. And my heart. That was definitely lost.He closed his eyes and laid his ear over my heart again. I let my cheek press against his hair, felt the texture of it on my skin, smelled the delicious scent of him.Tracking wasnt a distraction then? I asked, curious, and also needing to distract myself. I was very much in danger of hoping. I wouldnt be able to stop myself for long. My heart throbbed, singing in my chest.No. He sighed. That was never a distraction. It was an obligation.What does that mean?It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasnt going t o let her get away with Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Braziland really she came here. He groaned. I wasnt even on the right continent And all the while, worse than my worst fearsYou were hunting Victoria? I half-shrieked as soon as I could find my voice, shooting through two octaves.Charlies distant snores stuttered, and then picked up a regular rhythm again.Not well, Edward answered, studying my outraged expression with a confused look. But Ill do better this time. She wont be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer.That is out of the question, I managed to choke out. Insanity. Even if he had Emmett or Jasper help him. Even if he had Emmett and Jasper help. It was worse than my other imaginings Jacob Black standing across a miniscule space from Victorias vicious and feline figure. I couldnt bear to picture Edward there, even though he was so much more durable than my half- human best friend.Its too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not afterI interrupted him again, trying to sound calm. Didnt you just promise that you werent going to leave? I asked, fighting the words as I said them, nor letting them plant themselves in my heart. That isnt exactly harmonious with an extended tracking expedition, is it?He frowned. A snarl began to build low in his chest. I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoriathe snarl became more pronouncedis going to die. Soon.Lets not be hasty, I said, trying to hide my panic. Maybe shes not coming back. Jakes pack probably scared her off. Theres really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, Ive got bigger problems than Victoria.Edwards eyes narrowed, but he nodded. Its true. The werewolves are a problem.I snorted. I wasnt talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble.Edward looked as if he were about to say something, and then thought better of it. His teeth clicked together, and he spoke through them. Really? he asked. Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victorias returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?How about the second greatest? I hedged.All right, he agreed, suspicious.I paused. I wasnt sure I could say the name. There are others who are coming to look for me, I reminded him in a subdued whisper.He sighed, but the reaction was not as strong as I would have imagined after his response to Victoria.The Volturi are only the second greatest?You dont seem that upset about it, I noted.Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldnt be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again, he added lightly.Horror washed through me.Thirty.So his promises meant nothing, in the end. If I were going to turn thir ty someday, then he couldnt be proviso on staying long. The harsh pain of this knowledge made me realize that Id already begun to hope, without giving myself permission to do 5.0.You dont have to be afraid, he said, anxious as he watched the tears dew up again on the rims of my eyes. I wont let them hurt you.While youre here. Not that I cared what happened to me when he left.He took my face between his two stone hands, holding it tightly while his midnight eyes glared into mine with the gravitational force of a black hole. I will never leave you again.But you said thirty, I whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. What? Youre going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right.His eyes softened, while his mouth went hard. Thats exactly what Im going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul.Is this really I tried to keep my voice even, but this question was too hard. I remembered his face when Aro had almost begged him to consider making me immortal. The sick look there. Was this fixation with keeping me human really about my soul, or was it because he wasnt sure that he wanted me around that long?Yes? he asked, waiting for my question.I asked a different one. Almostbut not quiteas hard.But what about when I get so old that people think Im your mother? Your grandmother? My voice was pale with revulsionI could see Grans face again in the dream mirror.His whole face was soft now. He brushed the tears from my cheek with his lips. That doesnt mean anything to me, he breathed against my skin. You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course He hesitated, flinching slightly. If you outgrew meif you wanted something moreI would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldnt stand in your way if you wanted to leave me.His eyes were liquid onyx and utterly sincere. He spoke as if hed put endless amounts of thought into this asinine plan.You do realize that Ill die eventually, right? I demanded.Hed thought abo ut this part, too. Ill follow after as soon as I can.That is seriouslyI looked for the right word. Sick.Bella, its the only right way leftLets just back up for a minute, I said feeling angry made it so much easier to be clear, decisive. You do remember the Volturi, right? I cant stay human forever. Theyll kill me. Even if they dont think of me tillIm thirtyI hissed the worddo you really think theyll forget?No, he answered slowly, shaking his head. They wont forget. ButBut?He grinned while I stared at him warily. Maybe I wasnt the only crazy one.I have a few plans.And these plans, I said, my voice getting more acidic with each word. These plans all center around me staying human.My attitude hardened his expression. Naturally. His tone was brusque, his divine face arrogant.We glowered at each other for a long minute.Then I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, I pushed his arms away so that I could sit up.Do you want me to leave? he asked, and it made my heart flutter to see that this idea hurt him, though he tried not to show it.No, I told him. Im leaving.He watched me suspiciously as I climbed out of the bed and fumbled around in the dark room, looking for my shoes.May I ask where you are going. he asked.Im going to your house, I told him, still feeling around blindly.He got up and came to my side. Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?My truck.That will probably wake Charlie, he offered as a deterrent.I sighed. I know. But honestly, Ill be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I reallygetin?None. Hell blame me, not you.If you have a better idea, Im all ears.Stay here, he suggested, but his expression wasnt hopeful.No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home, I encouraged, surprised at how natural my teasing sounded, and headed for the door.He was there before me, blocking my way.I frowned, and turned for the window. It wasnt really that far to the ground, and it was largely grass beneathOkay, he sighed. Ill give you a ride.I shrugged. Either way. But you probably should be there, too.And why is that?Because youre extraordinarily opinionated, and Im sure youll want a chance to air your views.My views on which subject? He asked through his teeth.This isnt just about you anymore. Youre not the center of the universe, you know. My own personal universe was, of course, a different story. If youre going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say.A say in what? he asked, each word distinct.My mortality. Im putting it to a vote.